DYING OF DESIRE, ACT I

Scene 1: A squalid hotel room

MORGAN

What’s your name, sweetheart?

LEANN

Just call me Jewel.

MORGAN

OK, Jewel. Just call me Spike.

LEANN

OK, Spike. You pay in advance.

MORGAN

I know how it works.

LEANN

You gotta use protection.

MORGAN

I know how it works.

LEANN

I won't do nothin' kinky.

MORGAN

We'll see about that!

    Mal enters

MORGAN
What the fuck?

    Mal shoots Morgan

LEANN

Mal! Why did you shoot him, Mal?

MAL

Here, Jewel! Hold the gun!

    LeAnn takes the gun

MAL

Aha!

Scene 2: Clint McCall’s home

STELLA, MAXINE

Meow!

CLINT

Good morning, Stella.

STELLA
Meow!

CLINT

Good morning, Maxine.

MAXINE
Meow!

CLINT
Oh, hi there! Give me a minute to feed the cats. I'll be right back.

I can't walk with you between my legs!

Get off the table!

Enjoy your breakfast, girls.

Thank you for your patience. Now I'll introduce myself.

My name is Clint McCall. And I'm a private eye.

I live and work in Portland, Portland, Oregon.

I do not work alone. I have a partner named Malone.

Devon Malone. And I'm in love with her.

But I do live alone, except for Stella and Maxine.

They are beautiful cats, but shy as shadows, and seldom to be seen.

I also have a daughter Her name is Colleen.

She's fast on her feet, her smile is sweet, and her mind is keen.

I love Colleen, my daughter Colleen!

I love my job! A detective's life for me!

Finding missing persons and stolen goods.

Meeting ritzy people from ritzy neighborhoods.
Spying on cheating husbands and wives.

Helping troubled people sort out their lives.

Matching wits with cops and crooks,

just like you read about in paperback books.

I almost feel like I live in a paperback book!

And I love Portland! It's my kind of town.

Big but not too big, weird but not too weird,

the City of Roses never lets me down.

It's a wonderful town.

And I love my cats, and my daughter, and my home,

and I love my partner, Devon Malone.

But I don't know how she feels about me.

I'm a detective, but I can't detect how Devon feels about me.

Time for meditation and breakfast, then off to work. Catch you later!

STELLA, MAXINE

Meow!

Scene 3: Detective office

DEVON

Good morning. I'm Devon Malone.

I'm half of the McCall-Malone Detective Agency.

I used to be a cop. But that's another story.

My partner Clint should be here soon.

Meanwhile, I will pass the time by reflecting on my life.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and ask myself

"Devon, what is the plan?”

Is this my future? Working with Clint?

He is a worthy, goodhearted man.

But I know that he's sweet on me.
So what should my policy be?

Yes, he's attractive, but office romances

are tricky and risky at best.

When Clint makes his hesitant, timid advances,

I gently but firmly protest.

I act very cool. And Clint is no fool.

He backs off and gives it a rest.

And I don't say a word, but my feelings are stirred,

and I don't know how long I can keep being strong

and resist, resist, resist the temptation to kiss and be kissed!

I love this job! I love what I do!

I'm strong, and I'm sharp, and I'm able.

How can I keep us both focused on work,

with a tempting love affair there on the table?

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror,

and my reflection looks back at me,

and shakes her head, and rolls her eyes.

Where this is going I cannot see.

Unless, some day, to my surprise,

"he" and "I" turn out to be “we."

CLINT

Good morning!

DEVON

Oh! It IS still morning! I was starting to think about lunch.

CLINT

You're always hungry!

Devon, I've been thinking about your appetite.

It seem you're always hungry. Something is not right.
Daily meditation might improve your self-control.

It benefits the body and satisfies the soul.

DEVON

I had no idea that you thought about me so.

It's true, I'm often hungry.

But there's something you should know.

I have a very rapid metabolic rate.

I can eat forever and never put on weight.

I am an omnivorous woman. I am an omnivore.

I'm eager to eat any edible treat, and then I'll ask for more.

Just give me some pasta and I'll eat it fahstah

than you can say “vermicelli."

And I love me some ham or a leg of lamb

with a dollop of mint jelly.

And as for desserts, it never hurts

to put ice cream on my pie. On my pie! On my pie!

Yes, I am an omnivorous woman. An omnivore am I!

CLINT

Devon, I am sorry if I seem to patronize.

But I frequently see anxiety when I look into your eyes.

I truly believe meditation would be good for you.

I'll teach you what to do. You can learn to do it by degrees.

Sit on a cushion on the floor. Rest on your lower legs and knees.

Slowly take a breath, and slowly let it out.

Let your mind go blank. No thoughts to think about.

And I think you'll find peace of mind.

DEVON

Peace of mind! Peace of mind!

I'll give you a piece of my mind!

Listen Mister Clint McCall! I don't think you get me at all!

I'm not tryin' to be funny but I need to make more money.
I get hungry when I'm worried and I worry when I'm hungry!

I would like to know where is all the dough

I'm supposed to make working here with you?

Where is all my dough? Bread is made from dough.

How can I buy food, I am asking you.

CLINT

It will all work out. You should have no doubt.

Business will pick up. That I promise you.

Soon the phone will ring, it will surely bring

clients who will pay, I am telling you.

DEVON

Let's talk!

Let me explain the background.

CLINT

Is this really necessary?

DEVON

I used to be a cop.

I was good at my job, and I enjoyed it.

Then I met this guy. He was looking for a missing baby.

I helped him, but I broke some rules, and I got fired.

CLINT

And I realized that I owed her, and I offered her a full partnership!

DEVON

Another reason was that you had the hots for me.

CLINT

Well, I thought you were signaling that you liked me too.

DEVON

Don't push your luck.

Anyway, I'm not making enough money here. I'm going broke!

CLINT

I keep telling her that things will pick up.

I normally get twice as many calls as I can handle by myself.

The phone will start ringing soon and we’ll be fine.

Speaking of which, have you checked the voice mail?

DEVON

I was waiting for you. Let’s see if we have anything.

ALICIA (voicemail)

My name is Alicia Roman. I’m calling from Seattle.

I need your help.

My husband has gone missing. He left two weeks ago.

I think he went to Portland. But I'm not sure.

My husband is a diamond dealer.

His name is Morgan Klodpusser. K-L-O-D-P-U-S-S-E-R. Klodpusser.

His friends call him “Spike.”

Just to be clear, I did not take his name when we were married.

I am Alicia Roman, not Missus Morgan Klodpusser.

Please call me as soon as you can. I'm about to lose hope.

DEVON

We phoned Alicia and agreed to look for her missing husband.

She Paypalled us a retainer and emailed us a recent photo.

She also advised us to start by interviewing local sex workers.

It’s a beautiful thing when married people know each other so well!

CLINT

But as soon as we got off the phone with Alicia Roman, more business came calling, in the form of a woman named Tanya. She turned out to be quite a character!

TANYA

My name is Tatyana Nikolayevna Petoskaya,

but you can call me Tanya, it's much easier to say.

I know I sound Russian, but I assure you

I was born and raised in the U. S. A.

My parents are Russian speaking Old Believers.

I was home schooled in Russian, in a Russian neighborhood.

I spoke only Russian until I was sixteen,

and that's why my English doesn't sound so good.

I love my Mom and Dad,

and I respect them and their old beliefs and ways.

But Old Believers do not believe in much of anything we do these days.

They don't believe in television, movies, or dancing,

or going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant.

They don't believe in eating meat on Wednesdays or Fridays,

or giving their daughter anything that she might want.

So I left my parents' home just as soon as I was grown.

I went into business and I'm doing very well.

I love my life of freedom and pleasure,

and I don't expect to go to Hell!

CLINT, DEVON

What can we do for you, Tanya?

TANYA

The Lifestream Foundation is being threatened.

CLINT, DEVON

What is the Lifestream Foundation?

TANYA

The Lifestream Foundation is a full-service shelter for homeless people. I am the president.

CLINT, DEVON

What is the problem?

TANYA

For weeks, we've been getting anonymous phone calls

falsely accusing us of doctoring our books.

Then, yesterday, the same person called again and said:

"Every member of the Lifestream Foundation Board of Directors is going to die.”

CLINT

Have you called the police?

TANYA

No! We don’t want publicity!

We don't want to scare our donors!

That's why I’ve come to you.

This must be kept out of the public eye.

I will pay you whatever you require.

CLINT

Tanya gave us a substantial retainer.

We agreed to visit the Lifestream Foundation after lunch, to interview the board.

DEVON

We ate lunch at the Home Run Sports Bar.
I had a Grand Slam Burger with extra fries!

CLINT

I had a salad. Trying to stay light on my feet.

DEVON

He stole some of my fries when he thought I wasn’t watching.

CLINT

Come on, you had lots of fries!

DEVON

I didn't eat any of your salad!

Scene 4: Foundation office

KRISTI

Hi, I'm Kristi. Can I help you?

CLINT

Clint McCall and Devon Malone. I believe Tanya is expecting us.

KRISTI

Oh yes. The board is in the dining room, just finishing lunch.

They'll join you any minute now. Please have a seat.

DEVON

She looks like a “working girl,” if you know what I mean.

KRISTI

I'm probably not supposed to sing to you.

I'm not the star of this show.

But I saw how she was looking at me,

and there's something I want you to know.

Judge not! Judge not!

Not till you've walked in my shoes.

Judge not! Judge not!

I used to walk the streets at night,

stand on corners, wave at passing cars,

and invite, and invite,

invite strange men, lonely men,

smelly, crude, pathetic men,

invite them to pick me up and spend

ten or fifteen minutes with me,

grunting, sweaty minutes with me.

for a fee, a lousy, pathetic fee.

Judge not! Judge not!

My pimp was a monster named Guth.

Mal Guth. Malcolm Guth.

He made me work even if I was sick,

and after I had turned a trick,

if I made twelve dollars, Mal took nine,

and he beat me if I dared to whine.

Judge not. Judge not.

A few months ago on a sunny day,

I looked in the mirror and I hated what I saw.

So while Mal was asleep, I ran away!

I escaped from the clutches of his cruel claws!

I disappeared, without a trace,

and now I'm in a better place,

and I don't walk the streets any more!

Now, I am a call girl, a high-class call girl.

I serve a very exclusive clientele.

Rich men, famous men, powerful, important men,
men whose names you would know (but I won't tell!)

I meet them in hotel rooms, the very best hotel rooms.

And they treat me with respect, and they pay me very well!

And I'm saving my money, and I'm gonna go to college.

I'm gonna study social work, and earn my degree.

And then, when my phone rings, I won't go to hotel rooms.

I'll go to meet my clients, people just like me.

People of all ages, people of all races,

people who are trying to escape from dark places.

I have escaped from a dark, dark place.

Now I'm reaching for the light.

There's so much darkness in the world.

I want to be a light.

Judge not.

TANYA

Kristi, I have an errand for you. Here's the address.

KRISTI

Thank you, Tanya.

Judge not.

CLINT

I’m Clint McCall. This is my partner, Devon Malone.

TANYA

I’ll let my colleagues introduce themselves.

JESSE

I’m Jesse Carter. I’m a software engineer.

TANYA

Jesse makes money by turning digits into dollars.

NORMAN

I’m Norman Albright. I’m in the timber business.

TANYA

Norm makes money by turning trees into toothpicks.

STANLEY

I’m Stanley Overton. I’m a vice-president at Oregon First Bank.

TANYA

Stanley turns OTHER people’s money into HIS money.

BARBARA

I’m Barbara Schilling. My husband manufactures plumbing fixtures.

TANYA

The Schillings are flush with cash.

CLINT

Nice to meet you all.

We understand you’ve received some nasty phone calls.

DEVON

Are you aware of any problems with your books?

And do you know why anyone would want to kill you?

BOARD

No! No! No! No! No!

TANYA

Please let us explain who we are and what we do.

BARBARA

When you've heard our story, we're sure that you…

NORMAN

… will understand why we are vexed and perplexed…

JESSE

… by these dreadful threats.

STANLEY

Bum, bum, bum…

TANYA

We are good. We are good. We do no harm.

STANLEY

We are so good.

BARBARA

And we view these vicious threats with fear and alarm.

STANLEY

Alarm.

NORMAN

The Life stream Foundation is a charity.

STANLEY

Charity.

JESSE

Now let us elaborate, for the sake of clarity.

STANLEY

Clarity.

TANYA

We are a very aboveboard board. We never cook our books.

STANLEY

No, never!

BARBARA

We feel that virtue is its own reward. We are not crooks!

STANLEY

We’re very honest.

JESSE

We help the homeless find shelter and food, medical care and employment.

STANLEY

Yes, we do!

NORMAN

All of our work is for the public good. It's not for our personal enjoyment.

STANLEY

So true!

TANYA

We support the Foundation with money and time, and we love to help people in need.

STANLEY

We love to help!

BARBARA

Doctoring our books would be a stupid crime. We never would succumb to greed.

STANLEY

No, never!

NORMAN

All our activities are purely benevolent.
They should not arouse any feelings malevolent.

JESSE

If someone wants to kill us, we don't know why.
We're good guys. We don't deserve to die.

ALL

We are good. We are good. We do no harm.
And we view these vicious threats with fear and alarm.

BARBARA

We are a very aboveboard board.

ALL

We don't deserve to die!

DEVON

We didn't get much useful information from the board.

Although they did seem to be a very harmonious group.

CLINT

But then I got a phone call from my good friend Veronica Fortune.

Veronica owns the Pen and Pastry Café.
She was worried about a new waitress that she had just hired,

and she asked us to come over and see if we could help sort it out.

DEVON

Veronica is an ex-sex worker. Her employees are all ex-sex workers.
And her café is just down the street from Clint's house.

So I do wonder about that.

Scene 5: The Pen and Pastry

CLINT

When we walked into the Pen and Pastry, my daughter Colleen was there.
That wasn't unusual--it's her favorite hangout.

Colleen was deep in conversation with the new waitress.
That wasn't unusual either--Colleen never met a stranger.

DEVON

We took a table nearby and listened. That’s what detectives do.

Also, I had a ham and cheese croissant, yum!

LEANN

When I was a girl, I dreamed that I'd grow up to be a normal woman,

with a high school diploma, a steady job, a husband, a house, a car,
two children, a dog, and a flower garden. A flower garden!

But my dreams never got very far. I might as well have wished on a star.
Bad family, bad neighborhood, bad friends.
If your life starts out bad, that's how it ends.

COLLEEN

My father is a caring man.

He will help you, if he can.

Trust my father, please, Leann.

Tell him what the trouble is.

LEANN

My father is a jail bird, and my mother... never mind!

They never fed me very well; I ate what I could find.

I went to school hungry, fell asleep in study hall.

After school I went to beg for hand outs at the mall.

Bad family, bad neighborhood, bad friends.

If your life starts out bad, that's how it ends.

COLLEEN

Your parents may have let you down.

You're from a nasty part of town.

Now, let's turn your life around.

Tell us what the trouble is.

LEANN

I started doing drugs whenever I could score.

I went from bad to worse. I ended up a whore.

Trading sex for money is the only job I know.

Now I want to quit, but my pimp won't let me go!

Bad family, bad neighborhood, bad friends.

If your life starts out bad, that's how it ends.

COLLEEN

LeAnn, please let me be your friend.

A friend on whom you can depend.

Whatever's wrong, I'll help to mend.
Tell me what the trouble is.

LEANN

I can’t!

VERONICA

LeAnn, I've asked my friend Reuben Keyes to come over.

He was my pimp, back in the day. Maybe he can advise us.

LEANN

You were a whore too?

VERONICA

Absolutely!

DEVON

I hope you aren't getting the impression that sex work is the main industry in Portland!
It's just that in our line of work, we run into this sort of thing more often than you probably do.

For a more rounded picture of this great city, go to portland.com.

Not now though, please wait till after the show.

VERONICA

I was a lady of the night.

I was a real good looker.

I did my job just right.

I was the "Queen of the Hookers.”

I turned my life into a book.

The title of my book was “Whore."

Five hundred thousand readers paid to take a look,

and a lady of the night I am no more.

So I bought this little café,and I named it "Pen and Pastry.”

I write and I bake, that's how I spend my days.

My books sell well, and my pies are tasty.

Now I'm a lady of the day.

I've found a better path to follow.

I sleep all night in my own bed.

And dream sweet dreams about tomorrow. Tomorrow!

And all my employees are ex-sex workers who want to build new lives.
That's why I hired you, LeAnn.

LEANN

But I don't know if I can stay with you! I don't know what to do!

REUBEN

Veronica, baby! I'm here! Hey, Clint! Hey, Devon! Hey Colleen!

VERONICA

Reuben, this is LeAnn Hannaford, my new employee.

REUBEN

Hello LeAnn!

Well, my name is Reuben Keyes, and in case you ain't heard,

I'm a tough S O B, but I'm a man of my word.

If I say I'm gonna do a thing, I go ahead and do it.

If I bite somethin' off, then I go ahead and chew it.

I'm a tough S O B, but I'm a man of my word.

Well, I run a little business with ladies of the night.

I keep 'em off drugs and I treat 'em right.

I make sure they're healthy and they earn a lotta dough.

If they want to quit the business, I'm glad to let 'em go.

I'm a tough S O B but I'm a man of my word

I dine at McDonald’s. I drive a Cadillac.

And if you double cross me, you better watch your back.

When I get mad, I lower the boom,

and someone wakes up in a hospital room.

I'm a tough S O B, but I'm a man of my word.

Well, my name is Reuben Keyes, and in case you ain't heard,

I'm a tough S O B, but I'm a man of my word.

If I say I'm gonna do a thing, I go ahead and do it.

If I bite somethin' off, then I go ahead and chew it.

I'm a tough S O B, but I'm a man of my word. Oh, yeah!

Now, Veronica dear, what's goin' on?

VERONICA

The phone rang this morning.

It was a man.

He said, “Lemme talk to Jewel.”

I said, “There's no one here named Jewel.”

He said, “I mean LeAnn Hannaford.”

I said, “And who are you?”

He said, “Malcolm Guth.”

I called LeAnn to the phone.

She listened for a minute.

Then she started crying.

I took the phone and asked, “What do you want?”

He said, “I want her back. She's my girl. She's my whore.”

So I hung up on the motherfucker.

REUBEN

Mal Guth gives us pimps a bad name.

LeAnn, why don't you just ignore that piece of trash?

LEANN

I can't tell you!

MERRIT

Hello, Veronica! Hello Reuben!

And there's Devon, and Clint, and Colleen!

Is this a party? I love parties!

But why wasn’t I invited?

REUBEN

This ain’t no party.

VERONICA

We have a problem.

COLLEEN

LeAnn is being hassled by a creep named Malcolm Guth.

MERRIT

That's bad news!

LeAnn, I don’t believe we've met.

REUBEN

LeAnn, this is our friend, Merritt the Ferret.

MERRIT

Reuben! Please!

Don't call me that!

My name is Merritt Badger. Please do not call me Ferret.

I know you think it's funny, but I cannot bear it.

My name is Merritt Badger, but a Boy Scout I am not.
I never help old ladies cross the street, and I smoke a lot of pot.

I have a little storefront. It's smelly and it's junky

The shelves are full of rubbish, and a moldy old stuffed monkey.

But in my back room are the things that people come to buy.

The prices are amazingly low, and the quality is high.

I get my goods from burglars, who collect them from the houses

of people who are not at home, and neither are their spouses.

And look— I'm a crook. There's no other way to say it.

I'm acquainted with the Law, but I often disobey it.

But I'm reasonably friendly, and it really won't offend me

if you call me a crook. That's OK in my book.

But I simply cannot bear it when people call me “Ferret"!

As for Mal Guth...yes, I know him.

Nasty, mean, violent.

Beats his girls, pays them almost nothing.

Drives around in a bright red Lincoln Continental like he's the King of Portland.

Mal Guth is a dog turd on the sidewalk of life!

MAL

Merritt the Ferret! Merritt the Ferret! Merritt the Ferret!

LEANN

Mal! Oh, my God!

MAL

And there's my little Jewel!

Come on, Jewel. Come with me!

Back where you're supposed to be.

I'm your man and you're my girl.I'm the center of your world.

Here in Portland I'm the King!

I can give you everything.

You will look so ornamental

in my red Lincoln Continental.

If you don't come back, here's a clue:

Somethin' bad gonna happen to you.

Somethin'bad gonna happen to you!

DEVON

I don't think LeAnn wants to go with you.

MAL

What's it to you, bitch?

CLINT

You shut your mouth, you little punk!

You don't talk to my partner that way!

DEVON (sticking her gun in Mal's ear)

Do you want to say that again?

MAL

No.

DEVON

You're not as dumb as you look.

CLINT

Get out of here, Guth.

MAL

Watch it, wise guy. I'll pound your ass and spit you out.

CLINT

YOU watch it, punk. I don’t tolerate mixed metaphors.

VERONICA

Strictly speaking, Clint, those were not metaphors.

Metaphors are pearls of language.

Mr. Guth is no oyster.

He's more the sea slug type.

CLINT

I defer to you, Veronica. You're the writer.

MAL

What the hell are you talkin' about?

CLINT

Grownup conversation is above your head, Mal.

DEVON

Your brain has all the brilliance of a lump of lead, Mal.

VERONICA

You are not welcome in my café.

REUBEN

For the sake of your health, you should go away!
 

COLLEEN, MERRITT

Go away!

MAL

Come with me, Jewel!

LEANN

My life is hopeless!

CLINT, DEVON, COLLEEN, VERONICA, REUBEN, MERRITT

You are a dirty rat, Mal!

You cannot take this gal!

She does not want to be your pal!

So get out of here right now!

Listen, Malcolm Guth!

You are so uncouth!

You are a creep, to tell the truth.

So get out of here right now!

MAL

You will all pay for this!

LEANN

My life is hopeless!

DEVON

Hey Veronica, what kind of pie do you have today?

END OF ACT ONE